DUNGeons and dragons

A flop game played by the calcified ones. Who knows what actually goes on at these DnD sessions? I took it upon myself to find out.

Graciously invited to a DnD outing by a fellow senator, I finally caved and decided on attending. Upon accepting, I was given a run-down of things I would need to prepare: my character, their traits, and of course, a good attitude. I spent the next couple days drafting up who I thought was a pretty decent character. His name was Seymour Cox, a knight with a strong affinity for voyeurism. A little on the raunchy side, but I figured it would spice up what seems to me ti be a mundane game in the first place.

Then, it finally happened. I walked into the session, and the first thing I noticed was how everyone was sitting in a perfect circle on the floor, eyes closed, hands stacked person by person with a candle in each palm. Knowing nothing about DnD, I found it to be odd, but didn't want to be rude and question it. I approach the circle. The person bearing the name tag of "dungeon master" popped his eyes open, his gaze penetrating into my soul.

"Uh... hey? This is the DnD thing, right?" I say. "Sit. Now."

An opening forms between two members. Cautiously, I squeeze my way in, and feel weird that I don't have a candle. As soon as I get comfortable, the dungeon master exclaims one word:

Praise.

"Gosh," I think to myself, "I expected this to be weird, but this is just..." and then it began, in perfect unison:

"We, the students, in order to construct and promote a common voice; to create an atmosphere that encourages the exchange of ideas between students, faculty, and administration; to recommend policies and procedures concerning the University; to advocate for the greater general welfare of the student body in both academic, extracurricular and social capacities, do hereby establish this Constitution of the Student Government of the University of Michigan-Dearborn!"

I could not believe my eyes at the sight of what happened next. As they were chanting, the unabridged copy of Robert's Rules materialized in the middle of the circle, rising to the surface in a cloud of black smoke. I wanted to escape. What would they do to me if I tried? I stayed put, heart racing. No one else was even phased.

The dungeon master placed his hand atop the book. Soon, his entire being became ensconced in the black cloud. His skin grayed and his eyes glowed red.

"With this book by my side, my powers are unstoppable! No one shall DARE get in the way of ME! And if they do... a terrible fate awaits them! Come, Robert! Show me your ways! Form me into the perfect leader! May my subjects be filled with fear and adoration in my presence! And may Student Government be ALL MINE!"

The circle popped their eyes open, all glowing red: "ALL HAIL THE DUNGEON MASTER! ALL HAIL THE DUNGEON MASTER!!!"

"AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" The air swirled with heavy chaotic energies. It felt as though every breath filled my lungs with TV static. Why did I do this? Why did I come here? How do I get out? A high pitched noise filled my ears, louder, and louder, and louder...

Then, it stopped. The smoke came to a halt, and the book disappeared. Each person in the circle came back to reality, looking pretty dazed. At this point, I began packing up my bags and leaving before anyone noticed I was there. At this point, I heard chatter that sounded much more like what you'd expect - "what class is your character?" or "hey, give me my dice back!" but I decided enough was enough. I pride myself on never speeding, but I broke that promise on my drive home.

Dear readers, I urge you to not ignore this message. Though it may appear to be an innocent tabletop game on the surface, there is a MUCH darker side to this weekly outing. Do not let yourself become one of them, no matter how many times they ask.